Emotions, emotions...

During the last days I've been feeling extremelly emotional and anxious. And really, I don't know what's the reason behind it. The easiest option would be to blame my exam period, which is coming to an end (I'll have just two more exams on Monday and Tuesday), but no, it would't be true. I just don't know, what's going on with me and I feel like crying, but I hope this feeling will be gone soon... I realise we can't feel great all the time, that we all have some bad days. But I wish I knew the exact reason behind those emotions that have been overwhelming me... I've been trying to find my peace through meditation lately, but the bad thing is that while I experience anxiety, I can't really meditate, I can't focus on anything for more than a minute. I know it requires practice and that I should just go through periods like this one to learn something new about myself. But it's still hard.

I've spent this weekend with my friend Anya and have taken this photo in her village. You can see a bit of a peaceful winter landscape (I wish there was more snow, but at least it was about -8 degrees yesterday) and a terrible Ukrainian road as well. There's nothing really special about this landscape, but seeing the fields and empty roads makes me feel peaceful, it's something I can barely experience in the city. The time I've had with my friend was really nice, even if I didn't let her do anything really crazy with my hair this time - for now I enjoy it the way it is. But spending time at her place somehow always makes me think of where I'm on my own road and where could this road possibly take me. She's just one year older than me, but she has a son, who's 1.5 year old. It was a planned child, she had wanted to become a mother since she was 18 and it was a real hell for her, when she thought she wouldn't be able to get pregnant. Now they're already planning the 2nd child with her husband. Needless to say, I can't imagine myself becoming a mother. Yeah, never say never, but at least not in the foreseeable future. When I observe my friend's son, who's a really cute little guy by the way, I feel I'd never have enough patience and enough selflessness to sacrifice my own goals and prioritise my child. Of course, itself it's not a reason to feel upset. I strongly believe that some people are meant to be parents, while others aren't. This shouldn't be imposed on anyone. But as far as being a parent is something that automatically adds some meaning into your life, those who don't see themselves living a typical family life are in need of finding some other meaning in their lives. Would traveling always serve that purpose for me? I'm so much afraid of feeling empty inside. I also often feel misunderstood by the society. Even my landlady, who is a very nice woman and kind of a friend for me, says "Aren't you afraid that your life will be empty? You don't have to get married, but maybe you should at least have a child". I know you don't have to have children to make your life meaningful and happy. Some people become very unhappy as a result of following the society's expectations. But will I always be able to find something meaningful in my life and not to feel empty? Won't I ever feel lonely? I feel comfortable being single, because I avoid the emotional rollercoaster that I experienced in each of my past relationships. But deep inside I feel I'm missing something. I'm really sorry for writing such pathetic things. I guess I'm just really having a really bad day (or weekend) and should do something to cheer myself up, but I don't know, what exactly could that be.

 

On a more positive note, I've finally done some Training, which felt really cosy after a month without traveling. This photo was taken at the railway station in Kyiv. First I planned to go to the city centre and to take a picture of the country's main Christmas tree there, but you've guessed it right, I was too lazy. So I just asked some guy to take a photo of me with a Christmas tree at the railway station :)

 

 

I have also bought a ticket for the train, which would take me into 2015. I realise most of you can't read it, but anyway, it's a ticket for a train, which departs on 31th December and arrives on 1st January. I've already done it for 4 times and I feel like continuing this "tradition", because it feels special for me. As far as I miss real Christmas, I've never been fond of New Year - as a teenager I'd just go to sleep before midnight on 31st December. So isn't it better to at least sleep on a train and wake up in some nice place? :)

 

2015 hasn't even started, but I already have a lot of travel plans - I think I've never planned so many trips ahead and maybe that's also one of the things to overwhelm me. Believe it or not, I've booked some more flights on Friday! I'm going to meet a very special Friend of mine in February and I'm already looking forward to it, even if I seem to be scared of everything at the moment. I'm sorry for keeping the destination in secret, but I don't feel ready to share it, while I'm not feeling well. Of course, special thanks go to my favourite airline for the €9 tickets! ;) I wish they were operating trains instead of airplanes, but for this price I can face my aviaphobia. 6 flights this winter?! Maybe that's why I'm feeling anxious?

 

I haven't received any letters lately, but I've been able to send two:

 

 

This letter to Olga in Belarus was sent on Thursday.

 

And this one to Maude in France was sent today. We've had a long break in our penfriendship because one of my letters got lost and I made quite a silly assumption that Maude didn't want to write with me anymore. Now I really hope we'll be able to revive our friendship.

Sadly, I was quite upset when I opened my mailbox this morning, not just because there were no letters for me, but also because my letter to Bahanur, which I've sent from Poland, got returned for me... They didn't even name the reason! :( That really almost made me cry, especially that I was already feeling too emotional. I'm going to resend it tomorrow, but I'm also worried about the other 2 letters, which I've sent from Poland... :( Well, I just hope next time I'll be able to write something more optimistic...