Nostalgia...

I haven't been very active lately. That applies not only for blogging, but also for letter writing and all the other activities that aren't a "must". It's really good that I have a job now, even if I work at home, because otherwise I might end up just doing nothing. I wouldn't like to say that I've been depressed, because that would be offensive towards those people, who suffer from a real depression. That has happened to me in the past and I know it's not this. I suppose it's just nostalgia to blame. This entry will be long and boring, but I just have to write it somewhere. I don't have a personal diary, so this time I'll use my blog for coping with my emotions.

My nostalgia is a very strange one. I was born and raised in Poland, but I never miss that country. Well, I can miss the Polish noodles, or on a more serious note, book stores which are full of materials for learning 'unusual' languages. ;) But it never turns into this kind of bittersweet feeling. If I need something from Poland, I just bring it from there. And if I couldn't bring it, that would be fine too. My weird nostalgia refers to a city, in which I've lived for one year only, between 2009-2010. That was my first city in Ukraine. Then I moved to Lviv. The story of me moving to Lviv is quite complicated and I must admit back then I followed other people's opinion much more than my own intuition. From the very first day when I submitted my documents to Lviv uni, I felt it wasn't the right decision. Of course, I don't regret it. First of all, there's absolutely no point in regretting something you've already done - especially something that you've done 5 years ago! Secondly, it was the right decision in a way. Have I stayed in that city, I would have finished my BA in 2014 during the war and then I'd have to move elsewhere for my MA, so perhaps I'd end up in Lviv or some other city anyway. That's fine. Lviv isn't bad, it's actually a very beautiful city and I'm glad to show it to my guests (unless we spend all the time Training) ;), I like all the small cafe's and narrow streets. I like it that Lviv has a good railway connection with almost all the regions of Ukraine - believe me, that's really important! ;) There's just one thing... Lviv doesn't feel like home and I'm afraid it never will. It must have something to do with the mentality - Lviv is one of the most conservative and nationalistic cities of Ukraine and my own beliefs are just... quite the opposite. I don't feel discriminated or anything like that, I just feel misunderstood and I know I'm not one of them. Each time I express "unpopular" views, I'm told that the reason of me thinking in such a strange way is that I was born in Poland and then lived in that city...

My run-away-mania started shortly after moving to Lviv. I knew that I want to live in Ukraine, but not in Lviv. I missed my previous city so badly, because it was the place, where I was easily accepted, had more friends and even some kind of social life, for the first time in my life! From time to time I just felt the urge to go there, which wasn't a problem back then. In 2013, when I was already in the last year of my BA programme, I was quite convinced that I'd go back there. Those of my penpals, who were already writing with me back then, can remember it. The last time I went there was in October 2013... I was so happy to be there and met lovely people, but I had this weird feeling that I'd never come back. I couldn't explain it rationally! I could go there at any time! It was far away from Lviv, it would take 23 hours by train, but why would I never go back?! Shortly after, the whole Euromaidan thing started... Afterwards - the war. And then it became indeed impossible to go there. The last time I've kind of been there was in June 2014, I was just changing the trains there and had about 1.5 hour of time. I went to a supermarket at the railway station and also tried to look for a cash mashine, but none of them was working. It felt awkward already back then... Now... The railway station has been destroyed and obviously there's no chance to go there by train anymore. Going by bus is technically possible, if you have a special permit, but even then it's dangerous. And I wouldn't even try to do it now... I know it would just hurt too much. I want to keep the image of this city in my memory, the way it was before the war. And just to hope that one day I'll be able to go there again. In 2014 I still had to decide, where would I continue my studies. I had some other options, for example Uzhgorod, but eventually I decided to stay in Lviv telling myself "It's just one more year. And maybe after a year the war will be over"... No, it's not over...

For most of the times I'm able to handle this emotions. But sometimes the nostalgia gets really bad. I think this time it was triggered by 2 main factors. 1) Some conversations with my Dad. He believes now it's a good time to buy a flat in Ukraine, because the country is in deep economical crisis and the prices are rather low now. He's absolutely right and I'm very thankful for his willingness to help me to settle down here - he's always been very supportive and understanding of my decision to live here. But of course this kind of conversation leads to a very logical question: which city? Lviv? I managed to get rid of my run-away-mania to that extent that I have no problem spending a weekend or two in Lviv and I don't spend hours thinking of the possible ways of leaving the city as soon as possible. I've become nicer and more open towards people and they must have noticed it, because my relations with them have improved. Still, I'm not from Lviv. I just live there, temporarily. I'm afraid that having my property there would bond me to the city. Yes, now you can tell me that you can always sell a flat. Of course, you can! But you don't do it, unless you have a serious reason. When you have property of your own, it's so much easier to stay there and to take the risk and move somewhere else. Moving is much easier, when all you have and need can fit into less than 10 suitcases :) 

2) People in Lviv, including those that I live with, telling absolutely terrible and disgusting things about people from D. region. I don't want to quote them... It just hurts too much and makes my cry almost everyday, although I try not to show hard and pretend that I don't care for most of the time.

I've been telling myself that I should settle down and stop thinking about the past. That I may be idealising the past and that coming back might be a disappointment... It helps... For most of the time. But in the last 2 weeks the nostalgia got out of control and it's not the first time. I'd say that it happens approximately 2-3 times a year. I fight it, try to rationalise, but after a few weeks I end up going to D. region no matter what... So guess where I am now?

Sviatohirsk <3

I'm not insane enough to try to go to that city now. But I can still travel to places in D. region, which are safe and far away (relatively...) from the front. This time I've come to Sviatohirsk, which is a tiny town (okay, in fact it looks more like a village) famous for on old Lavra - Orthodox monastery. I'm not relgious, but I knew I'd find some inner peace here. Something that I've really been missing lately. I've come by train through Kyiv (so it was quite easy to pretend that I'm going to spend the weekend in our capital!) ;) and I've met some really nice people on the way. On the train I talked to a lady, who's an university teacher from exactly that city, but she had to move temporarily to Sviatohirsk because of the war. Her friend has a small hotel here and she's made a big discount for me when she learnt that I live in Lviv, but love this region - apparently it's a very unusual combination ;) I was quite tired yesterday after traveling for 16 hours (including 5 hours by the IC+ train, big shame on me!), but I managed to go to the post office and buy almost all the postcards that they had ;) As well as for a walk to the monastery...

Sunset at Siverskiy Donets river

In fact, I've been here before. It was in 2009 and that was just for a few hours. Still, I can remember some places and my emotions are indeed so bittersweet. On one hand, almost nothing has changed when you look at the town. On the other hand, you realise that in fact nothing is the way it used to be. That a lot of people have come, because they had to leave their homes. And that you never know what could still happen here - of course such things don't happen very quickly, so I don't feel endangered, but who knows, what could be in a few months? I'm just trying not to catch myself into the trap of thinking that I'm here for the last time. Thinking that it's the last time would make me feel desperate. When I had my previous "nostalgia attack" in summer 2014, I made that mistake. I felt I had to use the chance before it's too late, I got desperate and ended up doing some really stupid things. It's not easy to handle such emotions and I realise that coming here is stepping on a very slippery ground - emotionally. But it seems that this time I'm coping with it better, or just walking more carefully, reminding myself that I should value what I have HERE AND NOW instead of wondering, whether I'd be able to come again. 

in Sviatohirsk

One day the war has to be over. I don't really hope that things will be the way they used to be before 2013... Too many terrible things have happened, too many people have lost their lives and we can't just go back. I just hope for peace... Maybe that city will be the capital of an unrecognized Transnistria-style republic. Nevermind, I'll go there anyway. Unless I manage to move on earlier. But it doesn't seem to be a very likely option. No matter how much I tell myself to move one, how much I try to convince myself not to look back, it hits me after a few months anyway. I know it's silly and I hope that nobody is actually reading this, because it's too long... And I'll just go for another walk in the nature, enjoying the sunny early spring... In the evening I'll have to go back to Lviv through Kyiv. But I will come back and I'm really glad I dared to spend this weekend here instead of fighting the desire to come here...

Oh, my mail. I'm ashamed to tell that I'm really still behind... But I feel I should share my incoming and outgoing mail with you anyway. First incoming:

From Sandra in Germany

From Tessa in the Netherlands

Letter and postcards from Olga in Belarus

From Antonina in Ukraine

And outgoing... I really wish there were more:

For Hannah in UK

For Taši in Slovenia

For Antonina in Ukraine

That it's for now. I wish I was at least able to keep the balance between my incoming and outgoing mail... But it's not the first time something like that happens to me and I know this weird period will be over soon. I just really hope for my friends' patience. Have a lovely Sunday everyone!

On Ukrainian Revolutions and their impact on my life

It's hard to believe that it's been 10 years since I've become interested in Ukraine and started learning the language. Of course, this date (22 November 2004) is purely symbolic, because when you're 13, you often become fascinated with something and you never know, whether that would last for 10 days, 10 months or 10 years :) But after 10 years I can tell that it was the Orange Revolution, which inspired me to learn Ukrainian. I could already speak a bit of Russian at that time, but watching the news about peaceful, colourful and democratic revolution in Ukraine motivated me to learn Ukrainian as well. As a teenager, who already had quite a huge interest in politics, I was truly fascinated with those events and wished I could be on Maidan Nezalezhnosti (Independence Square - the main square of Kyiv, where all the big demonstrations take place) as well. It was impossible because of my young age, but since I've moved to Ukraine, I've always tried to travel to Kyiv on the anniversary of Orange Revolution. Some people thought this "tradition" of mine was weird, because, despite all the enthusiasm that people had back in 2004, those events didn't bring any significiant changes for Ukraine. In fact, that wasn't even a proper revolution, because it didn't bring any really new faces to Ukrainian politics - it was just a political game, but the emotions and faith of common people were real. And at least there were no victims - which is a very important "detail" in light of recent events in our country. Therefore I see nothing wrong in commemorating the anniversary of Orange Revolution in this way or another - afterall that was the event that helped me to discover my Ukrainian self :)

 

So that's me on Maidan Nezalezhnosti yesterday with my new hairstyle :) But nowadays most of people come there to commemorate another revolution, which happened exactly 9 years after the first one, on 21 November 2013. I'll be honest with you - my attitude to this one is completely different and there's more than just one reason for that. Maybe it's because I've been studying political science for almost 5 years and I simply don't believe in revolutions anymore. Revolution always seems to be an easy way of solving social and political problems, but that's just an illusion, because most of problems come from our own mentality. I believe that something has to change in minds of people before we can have a fully democratic political system. I absolutely don't blame people, who believed the ideas of Euromaidan last year - they hoped for a better life, for an European country without corruption and they probably didn't realise where this revolutionary path could lead us. People blamed me for being "anti-Maidan", which isn't actually true. But when there's a revolution, people get very emotional and they don't see that there's more than just one step between being "pro" and "anti". They tend to believe that once you're not with them, you must be against them. I was sceptical about the Euromaidan, because I knew that its ideas weren't supported by everyone in Ukraine and that there was a huge regional differentiation. Euromaidan was mostly a Western Ukrainian movement. Of course, there were thousands of people from East supporting the revolution as well - but statistically, they were a minority in their regions. I also had the feeling that the energy of Euromaidan, just like energy of any other revolution, could get out of control and have totally unexpected consequences. But you know, even in my worst nightmares I couldn't see the war coming... Saying that Euromaidan caused the war would be slightly unfair, but I believe it was the factor to trigger the tragedy which we've been observing in East Ukraine this year. And again, I'm not even sure if that was a real revolution, because people, who rule Ukraine now, have been in politics for many years - and Euromaidan simply helped them to come from opposition to the power. I'm afraid that in a few years people will be disappointed in Euromaidan just like they were disillusioned a couple of years after Orange Revolution. But as far as in the first case they could only blame themselves for wasting time standing on Maidan Nezalezhnosti for the sake of political leaders, who weren't worth it, now we're talking of thousands of lives that were lost both during the Euromaidan and the war this year... So no, there's no way I'd celebrate the anniversary of last year's events. I still love this country and hope things will get better, but that certainly won't be a result of any revolution. The change must start within ourselves...

 

But let's move on to more optimistic topics :)

 

Aren't trains beautiful at sunrise? Well, not only at sunrise, if you ask me ;) I came to Fastiv, where my friend Anya lives, on Saturday morning. We've had a really nice time together and she convinced me to try a completely crazy hairstyle :) In fact, I like it that this year I've finally become open for experiments with my appearance. It's just a pity that I'm in last year of my studies and later I might have to stick to a more conformist style :)

 

Last but not least, here's my letter for my dear Sandra in Germany, which I've sent from Kyiv on Saturday. Hopefully it will arrive soon, because sometimes mail to Germany takes 3 weeks! :/ Currently I'm working on my letter for Søren in Iceland :) I'll still have a lot of time for writing tomorrow, especially that my dentist appointment will have to be postponed, as she's sick. Not that I'm happy about my dentist sickness... but I feel a bit relieved, at least for the few next days ;)