Nostalgia...

I haven't been very active lately. That applies not only for blogging, but also for letter writing and all the other activities that aren't a "must". It's really good that I have a job now, even if I work at home, because otherwise I might end up just doing nothing. I wouldn't like to say that I've been depressed, because that would be offensive towards those people, who suffer from a real depression. That has happened to me in the past and I know it's not this. I suppose it's just nostalgia to blame. This entry will be long and boring, but I just have to write it somewhere. I don't have a personal diary, so this time I'll use my blog for coping with my emotions.

My nostalgia is a very strange one. I was born and raised in Poland, but I never miss that country. Well, I can miss the Polish noodles, or on a more serious note, book stores which are full of materials for learning 'unusual' languages. ;) But it never turns into this kind of bittersweet feeling. If I need something from Poland, I just bring it from there. And if I couldn't bring it, that would be fine too. My weird nostalgia refers to a city, in which I've lived for one year only, between 2009-2010. That was my first city in Ukraine. Then I moved to Lviv. The story of me moving to Lviv is quite complicated and I must admit back then I followed other people's opinion much more than my own intuition. From the very first day when I submitted my documents to Lviv uni, I felt it wasn't the right decision. Of course, I don't regret it. First of all, there's absolutely no point in regretting something you've already done - especially something that you've done 5 years ago! Secondly, it was the right decision in a way. Have I stayed in that city, I would have finished my BA in 2014 during the war and then I'd have to move elsewhere for my MA, so perhaps I'd end up in Lviv or some other city anyway. That's fine. Lviv isn't bad, it's actually a very beautiful city and I'm glad to show it to my guests (unless we spend all the time Training) ;), I like all the small cafe's and narrow streets. I like it that Lviv has a good railway connection with almost all the regions of Ukraine - believe me, that's really important! ;) There's just one thing... Lviv doesn't feel like home and I'm afraid it never will. It must have something to do with the mentality - Lviv is one of the most conservative and nationalistic cities of Ukraine and my own beliefs are just... quite the opposite. I don't feel discriminated or anything like that, I just feel misunderstood and I know I'm not one of them. Each time I express "unpopular" views, I'm told that the reason of me thinking in such a strange way is that I was born in Poland and then lived in that city...

My run-away-mania started shortly after moving to Lviv. I knew that I want to live in Ukraine, but not in Lviv. I missed my previous city so badly, because it was the place, where I was easily accepted, had more friends and even some kind of social life, for the first time in my life! From time to time I just felt the urge to go there, which wasn't a problem back then. In 2013, when I was already in the last year of my BA programme, I was quite convinced that I'd go back there. Those of my penpals, who were already writing with me back then, can remember it. The last time I went there was in October 2013... I was so happy to be there and met lovely people, but I had this weird feeling that I'd never come back. I couldn't explain it rationally! I could go there at any time! It was far away from Lviv, it would take 23 hours by train, but why would I never go back?! Shortly after, the whole Euromaidan thing started... Afterwards - the war. And then it became indeed impossible to go there. The last time I've kind of been there was in June 2014, I was just changing the trains there and had about 1.5 hour of time. I went to a supermarket at the railway station and also tried to look for a cash mashine, but none of them was working. It felt awkward already back then... Now... The railway station has been destroyed and obviously there's no chance to go there by train anymore. Going by bus is technically possible, if you have a special permit, but even then it's dangerous. And I wouldn't even try to do it now... I know it would just hurt too much. I want to keep the image of this city in my memory, the way it was before the war. And just to hope that one day I'll be able to go there again. In 2014 I still had to decide, where would I continue my studies. I had some other options, for example Uzhgorod, but eventually I decided to stay in Lviv telling myself "It's just one more year. And maybe after a year the war will be over"... No, it's not over...

For most of the times I'm able to handle this emotions. But sometimes the nostalgia gets really bad. I think this time it was triggered by 2 main factors. 1) Some conversations with my Dad. He believes now it's a good time to buy a flat in Ukraine, because the country is in deep economical crisis and the prices are rather low now. He's absolutely right and I'm very thankful for his willingness to help me to settle down here - he's always been very supportive and understanding of my decision to live here. But of course this kind of conversation leads to a very logical question: which city? Lviv? I managed to get rid of my run-away-mania to that extent that I have no problem spending a weekend or two in Lviv and I don't spend hours thinking of the possible ways of leaving the city as soon as possible. I've become nicer and more open towards people and they must have noticed it, because my relations with them have improved. Still, I'm not from Lviv. I just live there, temporarily. I'm afraid that having my property there would bond me to the city. Yes, now you can tell me that you can always sell a flat. Of course, you can! But you don't do it, unless you have a serious reason. When you have property of your own, it's so much easier to stay there and to take the risk and move somewhere else. Moving is much easier, when all you have and need can fit into less than 10 suitcases :) 

2) People in Lviv, including those that I live with, telling absolutely terrible and disgusting things about people from D. region. I don't want to quote them... It just hurts too much and makes my cry almost everyday, although I try not to show hard and pretend that I don't care for most of the time.

I've been telling myself that I should settle down and stop thinking about the past. That I may be idealising the past and that coming back might be a disappointment... It helps... For most of the time. But in the last 2 weeks the nostalgia got out of control and it's not the first time. I'd say that it happens approximately 2-3 times a year. I fight it, try to rationalise, but after a few weeks I end up going to D. region no matter what... So guess where I am now?

Sviatohirsk <3

I'm not insane enough to try to go to that city now. But I can still travel to places in D. region, which are safe and far away (relatively...) from the front. This time I've come to Sviatohirsk, which is a tiny town (okay, in fact it looks more like a village) famous for on old Lavra - Orthodox monastery. I'm not relgious, but I knew I'd find some inner peace here. Something that I've really been missing lately. I've come by train through Kyiv (so it was quite easy to pretend that I'm going to spend the weekend in our capital!) ;) and I've met some really nice people on the way. On the train I talked to a lady, who's an university teacher from exactly that city, but she had to move temporarily to Sviatohirsk because of the war. Her friend has a small hotel here and she's made a big discount for me when she learnt that I live in Lviv, but love this region - apparently it's a very unusual combination ;) I was quite tired yesterday after traveling for 16 hours (including 5 hours by the IC+ train, big shame on me!), but I managed to go to the post office and buy almost all the postcards that they had ;) As well as for a walk to the monastery...

Sunset at Siverskiy Donets river

In fact, I've been here before. It was in 2009 and that was just for a few hours. Still, I can remember some places and my emotions are indeed so bittersweet. On one hand, almost nothing has changed when you look at the town. On the other hand, you realise that in fact nothing is the way it used to be. That a lot of people have come, because they had to leave their homes. And that you never know what could still happen here - of course such things don't happen very quickly, so I don't feel endangered, but who knows, what could be in a few months? I'm just trying not to catch myself into the trap of thinking that I'm here for the last time. Thinking that it's the last time would make me feel desperate. When I had my previous "nostalgia attack" in summer 2014, I made that mistake. I felt I had to use the chance before it's too late, I got desperate and ended up doing some really stupid things. It's not easy to handle such emotions and I realise that coming here is stepping on a very slippery ground - emotionally. But it seems that this time I'm coping with it better, or just walking more carefully, reminding myself that I should value what I have HERE AND NOW instead of wondering, whether I'd be able to come again. 

in Sviatohirsk

One day the war has to be over. I don't really hope that things will be the way they used to be before 2013... Too many terrible things have happened, too many people have lost their lives and we can't just go back. I just hope for peace... Maybe that city will be the capital of an unrecognized Transnistria-style republic. Nevermind, I'll go there anyway. Unless I manage to move on earlier. But it doesn't seem to be a very likely option. No matter how much I tell myself to move one, how much I try to convince myself not to look back, it hits me after a few months anyway. I know it's silly and I hope that nobody is actually reading this, because it's too long... And I'll just go for another walk in the nature, enjoying the sunny early spring... In the evening I'll have to go back to Lviv through Kyiv. But I will come back and I'm really glad I dared to spend this weekend here instead of fighting the desire to come here...

Oh, my mail. I'm ashamed to tell that I'm really still behind... But I feel I should share my incoming and outgoing mail with you anyway. First incoming:

From Sandra in Germany

From Tessa in the Netherlands

Letter and postcards from Olga in Belarus

From Antonina in Ukraine

And outgoing... I really wish there were more:

For Hannah in UK

For Taši in Slovenia

For Antonina in Ukraine

That it's for now. I wish I was at least able to keep the balance between my incoming and outgoing mail... But it's not the first time something like that happens to me and I know this weird period will be over soon. I just really hope for my friends' patience. Have a lovely Sunday everyone!