Poland, a bit of Germany, and a lot of mail!

You can imagine, how lazy I have been, if I tell you it has taken me 2 weeks to upload the pictures from my latest trip to my FB! But I knew I had to do it before I start traveling again, otherwise they'd stay on my camera forever. But let me tell you about this secret trip a bit ;) Why do I call it a secret trip? Because almost nobody knew that I went to Poland, I just wasn't in the right mood to post anything and felt powerless for most of the time. Still, that was great to meet Søren and hopefully I managed to show him some nice places in the country of my origin. And one place in Germany :) We were traveling together between 10th and 17th of April and then I stayed in Poland for two more days with my mum.

On the beach in Gdańsk

One interesting thing that I've noticed while uploading my photos yesterday is that basically they're all from Gdańsk and from Görlitz/Zgorzelec, although we've visited many more places. As far as it's kind of understandable that I haven't taken a lot of pictures in the towns, where my relatives live, as I've been there for hundreds of time, lack of pictures from places like Warsaw is a bit weird. Probably they just weren't inspiring enough to make me look for my camera in my bag! :P I'm generally not the biggest fan of Poland, you know? ;)

Gdańsk

But I must admit I really loved Gdańsk. I had been there before, but that was ages ago, so I couldn't really remember much and therefore it felt like visiting a completely new place. I've noticed that I can actually have a very positive attitude to those places in Poland that aren't related to any negative events from my past. I'm glad about it, because it would be a pity to feel bad towards the whole country, whose passport I still have and which I'm going to keep, even if just for practical reasons. An even bigger surprise was that I actually liked the Baltic Sea, which I used to hate as a child, because the seaside holidays were always too long and way too boring. But going there for a couple of days in April felt completely different! We obviously went swimming and perhaps have already became famous, because there was someone taking a video of us :D

Gdańsk

To Søren Gdańsk looked a bit like Copenhagen. To me it looked more like some German city (which actually is partly true if you consider Gdańsk's history), but in any case it's a truly beautiful place. We also went to Sopot, which is a famous Polish seaside resort just next to Gdańsk, but, to be completely honest and direct, it just looked kitsch to me. I hope I haven't offended any Polish people, if they're reading my blog ;)

Later we spent 2 days with my grandfather, who lives just a bit more than 100 km away from Gdańsk and who was celebrating his 85th birthday. Well, in fact he wasn't celebrating - I'm just like him in this matter ;) But we had a really nice time together and I'm glad I could be there on his special day.

View from the railway bridge in Görlitz/Zgorzelec

The next stop during our trip was supposed to be Wrocław, the city where I was born (but I don't call it my home city), but I'm a totally disorganized (or you can call it spontaneous!) ;) person also when it comes to traveling, so we changed our plans in the last minute and went to Görlitz/Zgorzelec, which is a town at the Polish-German border. The bigger part of it, including the historic center, is in Germany and is called Görlitz. The Polish part, which is smaller and has two totally demolished railway stations, is called Zgorzelec. Normal people can cross the border through a pedestrian bridge in the town center, but we're far from being normal people, so we decided to run to Germany through the railway bridge! :D I don't know, whether it's actually allowed or not, but we felt almost like illegal immigrants and I was afraid that a train would suddenly come ;) Oh yes, why do things the normal way, if you can get so many extra emotions instead?!

On the normal, boring bridge

But, as you can see, we've also been on the pedestrian bridge and have even taken a border photo ;) I've always had a really soft spot for borders and therefore I also have good childhood memories from this place. I went there for the first time with my dad back in 2002, when there was still an actual border crossing. Nowadays the border is obviously open, but it still looks a bit like a boundary between the East and West.

Görlitz

Apart from being an international town, Görlitz is also just a very nice and historic place, so I think it was the right decision to go there instead of Wrocław. Of course, we might have seen much more of Poland if I only hadn't been so lazy and tired all the time, but there always should be some reason to come back right? And I'm glad that we actually also had a lot of time for long conversations, which are much more important than sightseeing.

We've also spent two days in Opole with my mother and the other grandpa and then we've done something really scary... or exciting... It all depends on your attitude ;)

Ryanaring!

Yeah, flying! Believe it or not, nowadays the domestic flights in Poland are cheaper than trains or buses, so we've taken them twice: first from Warsaw to Gdańsk and then from Wrocław to Warsaw. We've also taken my mum on the 2nd flight with us, because she's always very excited about taking a plane and it's great when you can please someone so much for just 2 euros! :D And for me... it was the cheapest aviaphobia therapy ever! :D During the first flight I got scared of the landing. During the 2nd one I thought we were falling, because the descend started right after we reached the right altitude. Nevermind, that the whole flight was supposed to last 30 minutes, I thought we were going to crash anyway... I wonder, if I'll ever get rid of this stupid aviaphobia totally?

I got back to Ukraine on 20th April at night, just hours before my first exam, which is just usual for me ;) I fortunately feel better now, although there are still a lot of things making me feel nervous and insecure... But at least now I can see some light and my thoughts are much brighter. This has also had a positive effect on my letter writing, but let's start with the incoming mail:

From Brigitta in Hungary

A lovely letter from my Hungarian friend Brigitta :) She's one of those amazing and precious people, who keep on writing to me despite having seen me in real life! I think this time I'll have to write her a page in Hungarian... ;)

From Bahanur in Turkey

My previous letter to Bahanur got lost, but she was kind enough to write me a great extra letter in a wonderful handmade envelope! One thing I know for sure is that I'll never send her a letter from Poland again ;) The Ukrainian postal service may be slower, but seems to be more reliable and has prettier stamps! :D

From Jennifer in UK

Finally, a really cool letter came from Jennifer today and will (probably) be the last piece of my incoming mail in April, unless I find something unexpected in my mailbox tomorrow :)

And here comes the outgoing mail:

For Tessa in the Netherlands

This letter to Tessa started traveling on Sunday. Or on Monday. But I did what I could to send it out before 15:00 on Sunday ;)

For Tündi in UK

An extreme letter for my extreme penpal Tündi started traveling on Tuesday :) I managed to type 30 pages for her within just 2 days, I wish I was writing my MA thesis so quickly! ;)

For Maude in France

Today I've been writing very effectively (in the office... that's what happens, when I don't get enough work) and have sent two letters. The first one goes to Maude in France :)

For Anastasia in Ukraine

And the 2nd one goes to Anastasia in Ukraine, so I've had some linguistic diversity, which is very important in translator's work! :P Okay, just kidding. But I really enjoy writing in the office, and I don't even know why. As you can see, I've sent more letters than I've received, so let's keep on believing in the legend... One day I'll catch up! I promise! ;)

I'm alright. It's just a big mess in my head.

Oh well, it's been almost a month since I've written anything here. Some of you might be wondering whether I'm still alive, because I've almost totally disappeared from the internet in the last weeks... Don't worry, I'm fine. It's just one of those periods, when I have such a big mess in my head that I prefer to withdraw myself from any social activities (including online ones) and wait until my mood changes. I've even had a 19 days long period of writing no letters at all, which is a big shame, not just because it's difinitely not the best way to cope with a huge pile of mail, but also because writing is a perfect way of dealing with bad thoughts, a form of self-therapy. But instead of writing I just waited and here I am - finally after 3 weeks I feel better and am able to write letters everyday. Therefore I'm also ready to write a blog entry, even if I'm not sure, what should I start with.

There've been some things going on in my life. I'm currently in the middle of my exam period, which is obviously stressful, but that's fine - at least I have something to keep myself busy with. Things at my job are fine, although sometimes I get paranoid about possibly losing it because of my preference to work remotely. But that's not my biggest fear - in any case, the current job is a good experience and I can always search for something else. I've also spent one week in Poland with Søren, my dear friend, who lives in Iceland. But I'm going to write about the trip to Poland next time... Now I'd like to go back to beginning if April, when I "disappeared" and stopped writing any letters.

In the Kamiani Mohyly reserve

I went on another trip to Eastern Ukraine, this time to a very remote place called "Kamiani Mohyly" (which translates as "Stone Graves", although I don't think there are any graves) ;) Nowadays it's a natural reserve of very old mountains in the middle of a steppe. Getting there was a bit complicated, but I enjoyed the trip nevertheless. Once again I've been able to walk on empty roads, hearing just the wind and it felt so great! I've met the director of the reserve, who called an inspector and asked him to show me around. Therefore I've been able to walk even in those places, which are normally forbidden for tourists and to learn much about the history of the place. That's the advantage of coming totally out of touristic season and telling that you've come from the other end of the country just to see this place! ;)

Old mountains in the steppe

Now you may be wondering, what went wrong. Well, actually everything was just fine. The only problem was that I had to spend the night in Mariupol - and I actually felt good about it, because I still love this city, even after the war experience that I had there last summer. I believe it's more or less safe to come there nowadays, even if sometimes you can hear some disturbing sounds at night. I still felt very comfortable there, especially when I was able to look at the Sea of Azov at night.

My favourite sea ever ;)

The only problem was in my head. I had a ticket back to Kyiv for Sunday (and then I was supposed to take a train from Kyiv to Lviv, of course), but suddenly I didn't feel like coming back... So I'd change the ticket everyday. First Sunday to Monday, then Monday to Tuesday, finally Tuesday to Wednesday. I couldn't stay any longer, because I had to make it to Poland on Friday and the distance is really huge. So I finally left on Wednesday and arrived to Kyiv next morning just to realize that there were no tickets to Lviv! I had forgotten that the Ukrainian Easter was coming (as you can easily tell, I'm not really into celebrating all the traditional holidays)! I spent 2 hours refreshing the website of Ukrainian railways every 15 seconds to catch the moment, when someone would return any ticket to Lviv. Luckily, I managed, and I was in Lviv on Friday at 5:00 am, so I could still easily take a bus to Warsaw at 11:00. So, as you can see, nothing bad happened. But I was just so angry with myself because of my irresponsibilty and all the mess that I've made. I know it'll sound lame, but I was kind of pretending that the trip to Poland wasn't coming and that I didn't have to go anywhere... Perhaps it was some way of escaping the pressure, staying as long as I could in a place that I love, but it left me feeling totally unstable. I suppose I shouldn't be writing all this stuff on a blog, but it's better if my penpals know. I'm alright and nothing bad has happened to me. Just to use my favourite Russian saying "everyone has some cockroaches in their head" ;) And so my "cockroaches" have been having a huge party lately, that's it :)

It might be that I haven't published photos of sent/received mail in the last days of March, but I hope you won't mind if I only share April's mail with you now. All the letters that I've sent in March should have arrived a long time ago :) So, first, incoming mail:

From Taši in Slovenia

This letter comes from my Slovene friend Taši. She has used lovely self-designed stamps as usually! :)

From Hannah in UK

A nice 2nd letter from my new English penpal Hannah.

From Bine in Germany

A lovely intro from Bine! One of those cases when I just couldn't say no to a new friendship... ;)

From Antonina in Ukraine

My Ukrainian friend Antonina has sent me a really great letter, as always!

From Anastasia in Ukraine

And one more Ukrainian letter from Anastasia, who's one of my "oldest" penpals - we've been writing to each other for 5 years!

I've also been lucky to receive postcards from very "rare" countries thanks to my dear penpals, who love traveling as much as I do ;)

Cards from Oman sent by Tündi

My extreme (she knows what I mean) ;) friend Tündi has sent me two great postcards from her trip to Oman! I actually didn't expect to receive written and stamped postcards from there, because I know that this country has quite an unreliable postal service, but I'm really thankful to Tündi for giving it a try!

A card from Laos sent by Essi

And my Finnish friend Essi has sent me this great postcard from Laos during her big Asia trip! :) Do I have to tell you that those are first pieces of mail from both Oman and Laos that I've ever received?! :D

Now my outgoing mail. I've been quite an active writer this week!

For Bahanur in Turkey

A letter for Bahanur in Turkey, which took 3 weeks to be completed, because I started writing it before the break. I hope it won't be too chaotic.

For Kathrin in Germany

A late answer to Kathrin in Germany... I hope she'll like it nevertheless. Yeah, the envelope got a bit wet due to the post office lady putting additional stamps on it in a not exactly neat way. But I hope the letter itself is dry ;)

For Olga in Belarus

A letter for my Belarusian friend, with whom I'm certainly going to travel this year ;)

For Antonina in Ukraine

And finally a letter to Antonina in Ukraine, which should reach her soon.

At the moment I'm working on a letter to Tessa in the Netherlands and generally feel quite motivated to write, so wait for more mail updates from me soon ;) Well, unless I do something stupid again and my "cockroaches" make a big disco :D

Between the Past and Future

To be honest, I still feel a bit confused because of the decisions that I've been making lately. It's quite easy to tell myself that "it's my final decision, so I can stop thinking", but it's much harder to actually stick to it. What if I'm actually still running away from myself? What if that's just the thought of being bond to something (could be a city, job, could also be someone?) that scares me and so I'm longing to leave before I have too many serious reasons to stay where I am? But I still believe there are rational reasons behind my decision to move and I hope to stick to it. I think in most of cases it's better to take the risk than to accept something that you're not completely happy with... There won't be much to regret anyway, right? One thing that I'd really like to learn is not to regret anything that has happened in the past. I think I'm already blaming myself less than I used to for some stupid decision, but I'd like to get over it totally. Done is done. And it had to be done for some reason, which seemed to be valid back then. It's so much worse to regret not having taken any actions, when you had the opportunity...

Me in Ternopil on Saturday

On Saturday I went on a short trip to Ternopil, which is some 140 km away from Lviv. It felt literally like a trip into the past. I used to come to Ternopil very often before I actually moved to Ukraine and also during my first 2 years in the country, because I used to have a close friend there. Nowadays we barely talk to each other and there've been several reasons for that... We had a huge disagreement in the end of 2013, as she couldn't understand why I didn't support the whole "Euromaidan" thing and we stopped talking afterwards. But, to be completely honest, I wasn't even angry with her. I could easily understand that people were very emotional at that point (and that politicians would do anything to make the society even more obsessed with the idea of revolution), so I didn't mind. I think it was just the "last drop", while the real connection between us had been lost much earlier. She's a very nice and kind girl. She's always willing to help everyone. But she's been very unhappy with her life, very lonely... And has never done anything to change it. There was a time when I offered her to be my flatmate without paying anything until she finds a job, but she refused and stayed where she was. Now that we talk to each other very sporadically and our meetings happen maybe once in two years, it really saddens me to see how things have become for her. I wouldn't like to go into details, because I'm sure she wouldn't be happy to know that I'm writing about her on a blog (even if it's in a foreign language..), but I'm afraid that she already needs professional help. Unfortunately, I also know that she won't seek for it, because she believes that it's just the way it has to be and that it's to late to change anything...

We went to a pizzeria and were discussing the "old good times"... I also told her about my doubts and she just said "You're only 24, you have the whole life ahead!", but then I answered "Remember? When we first met you were 25. And you were already telling me that it was too late for you...". This conversation made me feel that it's never too late or too early. It's never too late to try to change something, but there's also no point in telling myself that I haven't tried enough to accept the current situation and that I should wait more. All the time frames are so illusionary! We always consider ourselves either too old or too young for something. We always tell ourselves either to hurry up or to slow down... What is much harder is to find the true answer to the ultimate question: What do I really want regardless of all the circumstances? I'm afraid I'll still have doubts for some period of time and write lame blog entries. But it will be over at some point.

I was planning to tell you about the small language experiment that I've been making lately as well (me being the main "guinea pig"), but this entry is already getting too long, so I'll do it the next time. For now I'll just share the next part of "Hopelessly drowning in mail" series and go to sleep ;) 

From Katka in Czech Republic

This letter comes from Katka in Czech Republic. She has met me, she has seen that I'm crazy and she still wants to write with me! :D How great is that? ;)

From Erin in the USA

A very long and thoughtful letter from Erin in the USA.

From Mihaela in Romania

Mihaela from Romania has sent me a really nice letter, she has also enclosed two postcard and traditional red bracelets, which symblise the beginning of spring (1st of Match) as far as I understand :)

From Marina in Russia

This letter comes from my Russian friend Marina :) She's a very creative person and always makes amazing envelopes! This one is just perfect for a railway maniac like me! :D

From Søren in Iceland

Another long and interesting letter from my dear friend Søren. He has also sent me a candy with salty liquorice, but I'm afraid I've eaten it before I managed to take any photos :D I think he'll receive my answer on 10th April ;)

From Steph in Germany

Steph from Germany contacted me a few months ago on Interpals and just now I received her intro... If she only knew how much behind I am ;) But her letter is actually really nice, so I'll surely answer her, even if it takes me a while.

Of course, I've also written and sent some letters. But my pile of mail is still growing and no, I'm not going to tell you how many letters I currently have left to answer. But I'll surely let you know, when the number goes below 10 :P

For Jennifer in UK

For Vita in Ukraine

I've also sent a letter to Tasha in UK, but I realised that the battery of my camera was low only after coming to the post office, so unfortunately I wasn't able to take a picture of it. So you'll just have to believe me that I've indeed sent it and used nice stamps ;) Currently I'm working on my letter to Kim in Belgium... And yes, just trying not to think of the numbers ;)

One year older... And maybe a bit wiser?

I think there's no point in beginning my blog entries for apologies for being rather inactive both on Internet and in the penpalling world... It just is the way it is now and I can only hope that I'll be back to my normal routine soon. Some say that the period around one's birthday isn't brilliant for most of people, so let's try to use it as an excuse for now, even if I don't believe in this sort of things ;)

Yes, yesterday was my birthday and it was quite nice, even if I didn't celebrate it. I went to one of my favourite cafe's in Lviv, had chai latte and wrote a letter, which was really relaxing. I also got a really great news from my Dad - this year we'll most likely travel together to 3 countries that I've never been to! :) I think it's going to happen in July, but we haven't decided yet and I'm already excited nevertheless! :) Usually I travel somewhere on my birthday as well, but this weekend I didn't feel like going anywhere and didn't want to force myself. And anyway, there's no point in escaping, I'm already old enough to realise it. I had the argument with my Mum in the evening anyway. She's the only one, who makes a big deal out of my birthday and then she's really the only one to spoil my mood... No, I don't want to blame her or to rant here. Who knows, maybe it's partly my fault that I don't share her emotions and so she feels neglected... It's not a problem that can be solved easily, but my birthdays are one of those occasions, when this problem becomes sharp, and that's why I dislike them. Other than that I have no problem with people wishing me a happy birthday, so don't worry about that.

So I'm 24 now and perhaps I'm entering that age when you start comparing your past expectations with what you've achieved in reality. I used to think that at this age I'd already be quite mature and that maybe I'd already have my own family! Yeah, I find it so funny to think of now, because now it doesn't seem very likely that I'd ever want to have children ;) At least not anytime soon... But I guess it's normal that as a teenager I used to think of my future life using some standard schemes and trying to fit into them. It takes time to leave the comfort zone and to start living the way that feels the best for you, without any ready guidelines. I still don't feel I'm 100% ready for that, some part of me still compares herself to the social expectations, but hopefully I'll be getting there one day. I'm also starting to feel "old", which I know will sound ridiculous to my friends, as most of them are older than me ;) I suppose "old" isn't the right word. It's more that... I feel that I'm already grown up and there's no time to wait for my "real life" to start. It's here and now... For this reason, I've made a decision, which will probably be surprising for most of my readers.

I'll live there. Well, maybe not exactly on the beach :P

I'm going to move to Kyiv. Yes, this person, who's well-known for hating capital cities and for mocking people from capitals, is going to move to Kyiv. I've made the decision a week ago, during my lovely weekend in Sviatohirsk. Of course, I have some doubts and am afraid of changes, but I want to believe that it's my final decisions. I've always had problems making serious decisions, I'd procrastinate them until the last minute, then become hysterical... and yeah... that's not the way I want to do it now. I'm not moving today or tomorrow, it will still take a few months. But I'm sure I want to do it. And you know what? I'm really thankful to my Dad for pressurising me a bit to choose the city where I want to live, even if this pressure felt uncomfortable in the beginning. I've just realised one thing...

Even though I felt uncomfortable living in Lviv since day one (which was in 2010), I made my peace with living here, wasn't desperate to leave anymore and was ready to stay here for 3 more years to do my PhD. It was only the conversation about buying the flat that switched the red light in my head on and made me realise that I don't want to have a flat in Lviv, because it would bond me to a city, which I don't really like. Just a few days later I realised that even if there had been no conversation about buying property here, staying in Lviv wouldn't have been a good option anyway. Not even for 3 years. Doesn't our whole life consist of such short periods of 1, 2 or 3 years? You can go on like this forever, living in a place or situation that is uncomfortable for you, telling yourself that it's "just one more year to go"! That's what I told myself last year, when I decided to do my MA in Lviv. Just one more year to go. But a few months later I was already thinking of "3 more years to go"... No, it's not the way I want to live my life. I have no bad feelings neither for Lviv, nor for people living here. I just don't share their mentality and won't ever belong here. I'm already grown up and I have no time to waste dreaming of a better place, where people would be more tolerant and understanding, while in fact I can just move and try something new.

Why Kyiv? Because there are always more perspectives in the capital city and because the capital is a mix of everything. There are people from different regions, the city is perfectly bilingual and nobody cares who are you and where are you from. It's easier to be a freak in Kyiv. I don't know, if I'll stay there for a long time. I must admit I still hope to come back to D. when the war is over, even if it becomes a capital of unrecognised state (it seems that I can't avoid living in the capital, it's destiny!) :P But having a property in Kyiv is always a good option, because all the other cities are cheaper and therefore it becomes easier to move. I never dreamed of living in the capital and it's not like I'm enthusiastic about this idea. Not at all. But it seems to be the most sensible solution at the moment and I'm looking forward to discovering new paths in my life. I'm scared, but we have to take the risk sometimes. I just hope I didn't realise those of you, who have known me as a convinced capital city hater :P We all break our own principles sometimes...

That's it when it comes to my news. I hope you're not too shocked, and even if you are, you can still take a look at the wonderful pieces of mail that I've received last week :)

Fom Maude in France, sent from Germany :)

After a long break, it was so nice to receive a letter from Maude! :) She still lives in France, but very close to the German border, so she sends her letters from Germany - you see, I'm not the only one to send letters from different countries ;)

From Martina in Slovenia

A very nice letter from Martina in Slovenia with  alot of different stamps on the envelope :)

From Anastasia in Ukraine

I've also received two Ukrainian letters. One from Anastasia, with whom I've been corresponding for almost 5 years...

From Vita in Ukraine

And a second letter from my new Ukrainian penpal Vita, with whom I can already feel some connection, as we seem to have much in common!

From Tündi in UK

A birthday card and very yummy chocolate from my dear Tündi :)

From Tasha in UK

Another nice birthday card from Tasha in UK :) It actually reminds me of a town named "Щастя" (meaning "Happiness") in Ukraine. I've been there once, so I think I can say that I've found my way to Happiness :D

From Antonina in Ukraine

My dear friend Antonina has send me birthday cards and a lot of stickers :) I hope my letter will reach her soon... Probably it wasn't a good idea to send it from D. region?

From Essi

And finally a great surprise from my Finnish friend Essi! :) She's on her Asian trip now and has sent me a postcard from Vietnam!!! That's so nice of her and that's my first piece of Vietnamese mail ;)

I've also sent two letters in Kyiv themed envelopes ;)

For Søren in Iceland

For Arjen in Belgium

Speaking of any balance in my mail is pointless at the moment, but please remember that there were also long periods of time, when I was totally caught up with my letters... I'm not such a terrible penpal as I seem to be at the moment. And now I'm gone to write another letter... ;)

Nostalgia...

I haven't been very active lately. That applies not only for blogging, but also for letter writing and all the other activities that aren't a "must". It's really good that I have a job now, even if I work at home, because otherwise I might end up just doing nothing. I wouldn't like to say that I've been depressed, because that would be offensive towards those people, who suffer from a real depression. That has happened to me in the past and I know it's not this. I suppose it's just nostalgia to blame. This entry will be long and boring, but I just have to write it somewhere. I don't have a personal diary, so this time I'll use my blog for coping with my emotions.

My nostalgia is a very strange one. I was born and raised in Poland, but I never miss that country. Well, I can miss the Polish noodles, or on a more serious note, book stores which are full of materials for learning 'unusual' languages. ;) But it never turns into this kind of bittersweet feeling. If I need something from Poland, I just bring it from there. And if I couldn't bring it, that would be fine too. My weird nostalgia refers to a city, in which I've lived for one year only, between 2009-2010. That was my first city in Ukraine. Then I moved to Lviv. The story of me moving to Lviv is quite complicated and I must admit back then I followed other people's opinion much more than my own intuition. From the very first day when I submitted my documents to Lviv uni, I felt it wasn't the right decision. Of course, I don't regret it. First of all, there's absolutely no point in regretting something you've already done - especially something that you've done 5 years ago! Secondly, it was the right decision in a way. Have I stayed in that city, I would have finished my BA in 2014 during the war and then I'd have to move elsewhere for my MA, so perhaps I'd end up in Lviv or some other city anyway. That's fine. Lviv isn't bad, it's actually a very beautiful city and I'm glad to show it to my guests (unless we spend all the time Training) ;), I like all the small cafe's and narrow streets. I like it that Lviv has a good railway connection with almost all the regions of Ukraine - believe me, that's really important! ;) There's just one thing... Lviv doesn't feel like home and I'm afraid it never will. It must have something to do with the mentality - Lviv is one of the most conservative and nationalistic cities of Ukraine and my own beliefs are just... quite the opposite. I don't feel discriminated or anything like that, I just feel misunderstood and I know I'm not one of them. Each time I express "unpopular" views, I'm told that the reason of me thinking in such a strange way is that I was born in Poland and then lived in that city...

My run-away-mania started shortly after moving to Lviv. I knew that I want to live in Ukraine, but not in Lviv. I missed my previous city so badly, because it was the place, where I was easily accepted, had more friends and even some kind of social life, for the first time in my life! From time to time I just felt the urge to go there, which wasn't a problem back then. In 2013, when I was already in the last year of my BA programme, I was quite convinced that I'd go back there. Those of my penpals, who were already writing with me back then, can remember it. The last time I went there was in October 2013... I was so happy to be there and met lovely people, but I had this weird feeling that I'd never come back. I couldn't explain it rationally! I could go there at any time! It was far away from Lviv, it would take 23 hours by train, but why would I never go back?! Shortly after, the whole Euromaidan thing started... Afterwards - the war. And then it became indeed impossible to go there. The last time I've kind of been there was in June 2014, I was just changing the trains there and had about 1.5 hour of time. I went to a supermarket at the railway station and also tried to look for a cash mashine, but none of them was working. It felt awkward already back then... Now... The railway station has been destroyed and obviously there's no chance to go there by train anymore. Going by bus is technically possible, if you have a special permit, but even then it's dangerous. And I wouldn't even try to do it now... I know it would just hurt too much. I want to keep the image of this city in my memory, the way it was before the war. And just to hope that one day I'll be able to go there again. In 2014 I still had to decide, where would I continue my studies. I had some other options, for example Uzhgorod, but eventually I decided to stay in Lviv telling myself "It's just one more year. And maybe after a year the war will be over"... No, it's not over...

For most of the times I'm able to handle this emotions. But sometimes the nostalgia gets really bad. I think this time it was triggered by 2 main factors. 1) Some conversations with my Dad. He believes now it's a good time to buy a flat in Ukraine, because the country is in deep economical crisis and the prices are rather low now. He's absolutely right and I'm very thankful for his willingness to help me to settle down here - he's always been very supportive and understanding of my decision to live here. But of course this kind of conversation leads to a very logical question: which city? Lviv? I managed to get rid of my run-away-mania to that extent that I have no problem spending a weekend or two in Lviv and I don't spend hours thinking of the possible ways of leaving the city as soon as possible. I've become nicer and more open towards people and they must have noticed it, because my relations with them have improved. Still, I'm not from Lviv. I just live there, temporarily. I'm afraid that having my property there would bond me to the city. Yes, now you can tell me that you can always sell a flat. Of course, you can! But you don't do it, unless you have a serious reason. When you have property of your own, it's so much easier to stay there and to take the risk and move somewhere else. Moving is much easier, when all you have and need can fit into less than 10 suitcases :) 

2) People in Lviv, including those that I live with, telling absolutely terrible and disgusting things about people from D. region. I don't want to quote them... It just hurts too much and makes my cry almost everyday, although I try not to show hard and pretend that I don't care for most of the time.

I've been telling myself that I should settle down and stop thinking about the past. That I may be idealising the past and that coming back might be a disappointment... It helps... For most of the time. But in the last 2 weeks the nostalgia got out of control and it's not the first time. I'd say that it happens approximately 2-3 times a year. I fight it, try to rationalise, but after a few weeks I end up going to D. region no matter what... So guess where I am now?

Sviatohirsk <3

I'm not insane enough to try to go to that city now. But I can still travel to places in D. region, which are safe and far away (relatively...) from the front. This time I've come to Sviatohirsk, which is a tiny town (okay, in fact it looks more like a village) famous for on old Lavra - Orthodox monastery. I'm not relgious, but I knew I'd find some inner peace here. Something that I've really been missing lately. I've come by train through Kyiv (so it was quite easy to pretend that I'm going to spend the weekend in our capital!) ;) and I've met some really nice people on the way. On the train I talked to a lady, who's an university teacher from exactly that city, but she had to move temporarily to Sviatohirsk because of the war. Her friend has a small hotel here and she's made a big discount for me when she learnt that I live in Lviv, but love this region - apparently it's a very unusual combination ;) I was quite tired yesterday after traveling for 16 hours (including 5 hours by the IC+ train, big shame on me!), but I managed to go to the post office and buy almost all the postcards that they had ;) As well as for a walk to the monastery...

Sunset at Siverskiy Donets river

In fact, I've been here before. It was in 2009 and that was just for a few hours. Still, I can remember some places and my emotions are indeed so bittersweet. On one hand, almost nothing has changed when you look at the town. On the other hand, you realise that in fact nothing is the way it used to be. That a lot of people have come, because they had to leave their homes. And that you never know what could still happen here - of course such things don't happen very quickly, so I don't feel endangered, but who knows, what could be in a few months? I'm just trying not to catch myself into the trap of thinking that I'm here for the last time. Thinking that it's the last time would make me feel desperate. When I had my previous "nostalgia attack" in summer 2014, I made that mistake. I felt I had to use the chance before it's too late, I got desperate and ended up doing some really stupid things. It's not easy to handle such emotions and I realise that coming here is stepping on a very slippery ground - emotionally. But it seems that this time I'm coping with it better, or just walking more carefully, reminding myself that I should value what I have HERE AND NOW instead of wondering, whether I'd be able to come again. 

in Sviatohirsk

One day the war has to be over. I don't really hope that things will be the way they used to be before 2013... Too many terrible things have happened, too many people have lost their lives and we can't just go back. I just hope for peace... Maybe that city will be the capital of an unrecognized Transnistria-style republic. Nevermind, I'll go there anyway. Unless I manage to move on earlier. But it doesn't seem to be a very likely option. No matter how much I tell myself to move one, how much I try to convince myself not to look back, it hits me after a few months anyway. I know it's silly and I hope that nobody is actually reading this, because it's too long... And I'll just go for another walk in the nature, enjoying the sunny early spring... In the evening I'll have to go back to Lviv through Kyiv. But I will come back and I'm really glad I dared to spend this weekend here instead of fighting the desire to come here...

Oh, my mail. I'm ashamed to tell that I'm really still behind... But I feel I should share my incoming and outgoing mail with you anyway. First incoming:

From Sandra in Germany

From Tessa in the Netherlands

Letter and postcards from Olga in Belarus

From Antonina in Ukraine

And outgoing... I really wish there were more:

For Hannah in UK

For Taši in Slovenia

For Antonina in Ukraine

That it's for now. I wish I was at least able to keep the balance between my incoming and outgoing mail... But it's not the first time something like that happens to me and I know this weird period will be over soon. I just really hope for my friends' patience. Have a lovely Sunday everyone!